this past wednesday is the first wednesday i haven’t seen you. i’ve seen you every wednesday for the last 3 weeks. each and every one of those days had something special about it.
11/30— first time meeting your best friend. the car ride to go get him was super awkward and it immediately made me wish i didn’t initiate the hangout. but then i always feel like that in the beginning for some odd reason! you even said that we don’t know anything personal that was going on in our lives. it cut me deep but it was the truth. when we finally got your friend, we went to go eat duck. i don’t eat duck.. lol. but it was all good. you &your friend are so weirdly funny together that it even reminds me of me &La. but anyways.. after that, you said we had to go because you had homework to do. we dropped your friend back home and we were on the way back to my car. you asked me if i wanted to come over so i could read this letter that you wrote to this girl you liked. it broke my heart but i said yes with no hesitation. but when we got back to my car, you said maybe i should just go home because you have hw. i sadly said okay and got in my car. but then my impulses told me that i wasn’t done hanging out with you just yet. so while we were on the freeway, i was thinking of excuses to stay around you longer. i asked if you had a 5 i could borrow or change for a 100 or if there was a bank close by. i sounded pretty dumb but i was desperate. when i got off at your exit, stupid car wouldn’t let me follow you so i had to go in first. i found the bank by myself and then acted like i didn’t know how to get back on the freeway. but that was a lame ass excuse so i gave it a few more mins for me to come up with a better one.. i asked if i could go over to charge my phone! probably thee lamest excuse ever but i had to do what i had to do. i also honestly had to help my friends with their app essays so i had to stay longer to do that too. right when i got to your place, i read that letter you wrote. it absolutely killed me inside but i didn’t have a choice but to continue to read it and tell you what i thought about it. as we were talking about it, i saw this sad and confused look on your face because you really didn’t know what to do about your situation. i felt like this was the most maturest conversation we’ve had in a REALLY long time. i started thinking that maybe we just aren’t meant to be anymore. there you were talking about another girl and i was helping you. but when we got past that conversation, we just started talking about thee randomest stuff. it felt really good to talk to you like that again. and then i made up excuses to touch your body when i knew you loved to be touched and couldn’t resist it. it started getting late and i still made an excuse that i had to stay longer so i can wait for the essays to be sent to me. you were starting to fall asleep but didn’t want to at the same time. you were just laying on your bed and then i started playing with your hair. it led me to start massaging which i also knew you loved. i was just massaging you while i laid my head on your shoulder. it felt right. the way we were touching. how we were talking. laughing. everything about it felt perfect that it was scary. i never knew how much i missed you until that exact moment. i wanted to stay in that moment forever. you looked at the time and saw that it was already 2. you said if i wanted to leave, i should have just said so. i just said oh. the thing is, i didn’t want to leave. i wanted to stay with you right there in that moment for as long as i could. but i had to go. as i was walking to my car, i instantly missed you. i drove home thinking about and how perfect it is when we hang out. gosh do i miss you. miss us. miss us being like that..
12/7— it was a short hangout but a hangout nonetheless. we went to get your friend again and ate some korean bbq. (shit was hella good lol) your friend said he was gna hang with you for the rest of the nite and we both gave each other this look of disappointment cuz we knew we couldn’t have our alone time. but it was no biggie. after that, we were headed back to my car and i knew this hangout was gna get cut short. i came up with an excuse to stay with you guys longer. it was pretty lame but it was better than just leaving. it extended our hangout by over an hour, so it was good. we were just parked by my car. strange thing is, you got really quiet and barely even said anything while i was talking to your friend. it really annoyed me that you weren’t saying anything at all. i thought you didn’t like that i was there or something like that. i just got this really weird vibe from you that i never really got before. but then again i’ve never met any of your friends before. after keeping me company for as long as you guys did, you guys left. i was kinda like wtf but then i had to go too. weird hangout.. but seeing you was all that mattered to me.
12/14— so i wanted to have the “what are we?” talk with you this day. it was my main purpose for wanting to hang out. but of course, when i first saw you, nothing would come out of my mouth. before we saw each other, you said that your bro and your friend was gna join us too. it kinda pissed me off cuz i specifically just wanted to hang with you. but then you got in my car and you asked what i wanted to talk about. i made up some bullshit about having problems with another guy. i know i shouldn’t lie about stuff like that, but i thought if you knew other guys wanted me, it’d make you want me. but anyways.. we were talking about that for a bit and it led to talking about us. you admitted that the only time everything was good for you was when you were with me. you did good in school and everything else just fell into place for you. i was so happy to hear that. happy to know that HELLO! i can make your life better. (but you’ll never fully take that in consideration!) you took my arm and put it around you in what looked like a really weird position, but you said it was fine. you always like it when i touch you or hold you. my hands were starting to get cold and you were holding them and playing with them to try and get them warm. after an hour or so talking in my car, we headed back to your place. your friend and bro weren’t there so i was trying to help you study. but right when they came home, you started acting differently. you asked me when i was gna go home. that hella pissed me off. you totally stopped studying and started looking up youtube videos. when they wanted to play games, you asked me again if i was gna go home. i was starting to get heated cuz i wasn’t done hanging out with you yet. i definitely didn’t have the talk with you either. so for some dumb reason, as we were at my car, i told you to pinky promise me something. you said you don’t like pinky promises. i did it the wrong way by making you pinky promise me before i even said anything. right when you locked your pinky with mine, i said promise me we’ll never get back together. you kinda just looked at me shocked. you said never? and i said yeah, why? and you said uhh i don’t know. and i said promise &then you did. we hugged and it felt amazing. you said you haven’t fully hugged someone like that in years cuz there was no one to really hug like that. i never wanted to let you go. but of course i had to and i was on my way. i felt really weird about that promise and leaving it like that. i didn’t want it to end up like that at all. i was driving i called La and told her what i did. she said i shouldn’t have left it like that at all. she told me turn around while i still had the chance. i knew she was right so i got off the exit that was right before the bridge and went back to your house. my adrenaline was rushing and i knew i was going to be able to say everything that i wanted to. but you were in the middle of a game and you left me waiting in my car for 20 mins where i started to think about what i was going to say instead of just saying it. when you finally came in the car, i explained what i meant by the promise. you said that you see us as being really close friends and nothing more anymore. it kinda hurt but at least i knew the honest truth. it really pissed me off though when you said you didn’t want to talk about us for years because you thought i would get sick. i haven’t been like that since sophomore year of high school! ugh. but it was good talking to you about how i felt and knowing how you felt. i asked you how you would be if you didn’t have me anymore and you said you’d feel alone. i honestly don’t know if that’s true cuz it’s not like we talk everyday anyways. while we were sitting there in the car talking, you were playing with my cold hands again. even interlocking our hands together a few times. damn do i love it and hate it when you do that. love it cuz it feels RIGHT and hate it cuz i know it means nothing to you. i was just sitting there in amazement that after all these years, i’ve finally gotten my answer. maybe even closure? i asked for another of your amazing hugs and that was that. i drove home a happy person. i honestly wanted you to say that there might be some hope for us in the future. but knowing that you don’t feel that way anymore tells me that i should just give up my hope too. oh well. i’ll always love you regardless. it was a good hangout. hopefully not the last..?
12/19— so when i told you this past sunday (12/18) that i still had a final on monday, YOU asked if we could kick it. it made me hella happy and excited. but then you never brought it back up again the rest of the day. if you really want to hang out, you usually bring it up once or twice again. so i had a feeling it wasn’t going to happen. i finally asked you again at nite if you still wanted to. you said things came up but that maybe we still could depending on the time. i told you i was out around 11 and you said it should be okay to kick it. but when i was out of school and i called you, you didn’t sound like you wanted to kick it anymore. you said you were just going to work out. i honestly didn’t mind just chillin even for a quick min. but i could tell in your voice that you didn’t want to. so i suggested that we just kick it next time then. you told me not to worry and that you’ll be in sac soon but we both know soon isn’t soon at all. i was kinda pissed on the drive back home. but you got lucky i was hella on my period! so the hangout would have went bad anyways. but chyeah. i really wna see you soon.. like SOON.
